Top 5 Mediation Tips for Co-Parents: Making it Work Out of Court

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Mediation works well for the majority of co-parents. It keeps the power of decision in their hands while reducing conflict, saving time and money, and creating more satisfactory outcomes. For this reason, Washington State strongly encourages the process in family cases (RCW 26.09.015), and many Washington counties (including high population counties like King and Snohomish Counties) have enacted local rules requiring mediation prior to trial on family issues (parenting plans, etc.).  

Whether you and your-co-parent chose the process or not, how can you make the most of the opportunity? Afterall, why box check on your way to court when you could problem solve your way out of it? Here are Trailhead-Mediation’s Top 5 Tips for co-parents to make the most out mediation:

Tip 1: Invest time up-front in picking a mediator and process.

Mediation is not a monolith. There are many possible configurations for mediation and a wide variety of mediators. To improve your experience, invest a little time up-front and selecting a mediator and mediation process that are right for you and your co-parent.

As you consider options, keep in mind that mediators come to mediation from all kinds of different backgrounds and disciplines. Some mediators may be attorneys or former judges who can provide a little context, while some have no legal training at all. In Washington State, there are no specific qualifications required to mediate family cases and even “certified” mediators may be certified by different groups (the Washington Mediation Association, local dispute resolution centers, etc.), each with differing requirements for training, experience, and continuing education. What skills do you want your mediator to bring to the table?

Mediators also approach mediation with different styles that significantly affect their role in the mediation.

  • Do you want the mediator to hold the process while you and your co-parent remain in control of the substance (generating and evaluating options)? Then the facilitative style may be the best match for you.

  • Do you want to draw on your mediator’s subject-matter expertise and have them make specific recommendations? Then a more evaluative approach may serve you better.

  • Are you most focused on strengthening the parties’ relationship? Then transformative may be the right choice.

There is no such thing as a one-size fits all, and these are just a few of the options! Taking a little time to know the pros and cons of each style will help you find your fit.

As you evaluate the options, you might further narrow the field by considering: 

  • How well do my co-parent and I work together?

  • How many issues are we trying to resolve and how complicated are they?

  • Do we need legal advice? 

    • If so, do we need an advocate throughout the process or do we just have certain places where we want legal support (like mediation preparation or reviewing an agreement draft before signing)?

  • Are there other professionals that we want to contribute this process? (Co-parenting coaches? Financial professionals? etc.).

  • What will be most cost-effective for us?

  • What local resources are available?

Trail marker: Many states have centers that provide low barrier access to mediation services. Washington State has 21 local Dispute Resolution Centers (established under RCW 7.75) offering low-cost mediation by volunteer mediators in a variety of matters- including dissolutions and parenting plans.

All that advance thinking can increase you chance of resolution and save a lot of frustration down the line.

Trail marker: As you evaluate your options, actively involve your co-parent if you can. Don’t guess what will work best for them! A process that only meets the needs of one side likely won’t work long-term.

Tip 2: Prepare in advance.

Coming to mediation prepared greatly improves the likelihood of finding a satisfying resolution. But how exactly do you prepare?

For some co-parents it might be best to tap an attorney for help with preparation. For others, there is more than enough free or low-cost practical advice available to get them ready without the extra cost of an attorney.

For co-parents prepping on their own, here are some key questions to think through:

  • What are the best and worst possible outcomes for you?

  • Where would you like to be in 5 or 10 years?

  • What does the plan you are proposing really mean for your child? Walk through their day as it would be under each iteration of the plan and consider:

    • How can you minimizing their practical burdens (time spent packing, commuting, navigating different rules and environments, etc.)?

    • How are you honoring their need for continuity and joy in their other important relationships (with their other parent, siblings, extended family, close friends, etc.)?

  • What do you think your co-parent wants? Are there things you might be able to agree to? If not, are you ready to explain why and offer an alternative that may still meet some of their needs?

  • What is the process in my jurisdiction (for example, in WA)? What does a parenting plan form even look like?

It can be a lot to think about! Get a start before you mediate and be in a great place to build on that foundation when you get there.

Trail marker: Enlist the support of your mediator in preparation! Most mediators will have resources to share . As keepers of the process, they can help guide you toward the preparation that will set you up for success in the kind of mediation they practice.

Tip 3: Bridge the information gap.

Lacking the right practical information about available options can lock co-parents in unnecessary conflict. How can you choose between options you can’t even visualize? On the flip side, there comes a point where more information is not helpful and may delay decision-making or result in worse decisions. How do you know what missing information is worth finding?

In mediation, it is most productive to hew close to the mark. What do you and your co-parent NEED to know to come to a resolution?

Trail marker: Keep in mind that you are not in court! Mediators are not fact-finders, you do not need to prove anything to them. Further, legal information may not even be the most pressing question. In mediation you might make choices that are different than what a court would decide (or even spend time on!).

To help guard against falling into an unproductive information abyss, consider:

  • Is this information knowable now?

  • Will knowing it change your choices or the choices of your co-parent?

  • Can you agree to bridge an information gap by building in flexibility, such as:

    • Trying something for a short defined period of time (a new doctor, sports team, or drop off time/location, etc.) with a commitment to revisit the issue at a specific later date; or

    • Setting up a plan that happens in stages in response to known upcoming events (starting school, reaching different developmental milestones, etc.).

    • Setting up in-person parenting meetings at specific intervals (quarterly, etc.) so you know you have space set aside for the bigger issues.

Once you have identified an information gap do not rush in! Take a beat to think through the best process for finding and onboarding that information. Remember: finding a factual answer is often not the only issue (if it were, it would not be such a sticking point!). So, consider:

  • What is an information source you and your co-parent can both be confident in?

    • Do you have an advisor you both trust? (pediatrician, counselor, etc.)?

    • Is there a written source of information that you both view as neutral?

  • How does your co-parent best absorb new information?

    • Do they need to hear it first from someone other than you right now?

    • Are they visual or auditory?

    • Do they need time to sit with new information?

    • Do they need information in small bites to avoid being overwhelmed or do they need to see everything at once? 

Trail marker: These considerations are NOT about pleasing or coddling your co-parent, they are about being effective and efficient- finding what is going to WORK. You can be “right” and mired in a fight or you can focus on forward movement.

Tip 4: Set up your support network.

Mediation is not therapy, but it can lead to high emotions, especially when the topic is your children! How can you make sure you have the support you need to make good decisions?

Prior to mediation, take some time to set yourself up with the emotional supports you need. For example:

  • A trusted person (a friend, partner, etc.) to be available in another room or after the session to talk things through;  

  • An expert (attorney, therapist, co-parenting advocate, etc.) that you can lean on outside of mediation; or

  • A favorite snack on hand so you aren’t negotiating while hangry (seriously!).

Whatever it is, plan for it. If other people are part of the plan, get them on the calendar!

Trail marker: Does just the sound of your co-parent’s voice make you too emotional to think straight right now? Ask ahead about the process options to protect your sanity! Shuttle-style mediation, liberal breaks, timed speaking, etc. There are many meaningful choices a mediator can offer. Be sure to ask!

Tip 5: Pay attention to how YOU show up.

The only person you control in the mediation process is you. The good news is your awareness of yourself may well tip the balance toward resolution. So, be mindful: How are you showing up?

  • Are you communicating respectfully in voice and body language?

  • Are you listening to understand not just waiting to speak?

  • Are you agreeing where you can or waiting for your co-parent to compromise first?

  • Are you taking opportunities to genuinely appreciate and acknowledge the contributions of your co-parent?  

  • Are you looking for workable ways to address concerns raised by your co-parent or are you more focused on trying to convince them their concerns are baseless?

The choices you make about how you show up in mediation matter! Make sure you are actively choosing.

Trail marker: Virtual mediation has meant that for the first time many parties are seeing themselves in real time as they discuss difficult issues. It can be a real shock! Do I really sound like that? Is it THAT obvious when I am annoyed or angry? Don’t wait for mediation to learn the lesson! Pick a tone you want to try (kind, friendly, curious, angry) and try it out in the mirror. This can help you convey your real intention - and realize sooner when you stray.

Mediation is a space that offers co-parents a lot of power: to keep family decisions in the family, to grow relationships, to reduce conflict, to build in flexibility, etc. We hope these tips help you take advantage of the benefits the process can offer.

Your thoughts and comments below are welcome! Helping families thrive through different phases and configurations is what Trailhead Mediation is all about. Contact us today for additional assistance!

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Brief note on the term “co-parents”: This term is used here because it is in common use in the author’s geographic area and may help people find the information shared here. However, this term has its limitations. For many, it simply does not resonate because it suggests assumptions that do not fit the broad range of gorgeous families out there. Not all families have just two “parents” nor does the “parent” label encompass all of the dedicated caregivers children have in their lives. To all the loving caregivers out there, whatever term might best capture you, we hope you can find some helpful information here to help you mediate the solutions that are best tailored to your unique family!— Elisa